A Beautiful Disaster

2008-08-13T10:35:00.004-04:00

i'd like to take this short moment to update a little bit. well, i got a job at check-n-go... hopefully that won't last long. i applied to the middletown city school district, so hopefully something will arise from it. i do think i want to pursue some kind of education 'career...' although, i don't like the term 'career.' i didn't even think about applying for financial aid and everything, so maybe i do have the opportunities to start over again. working in the school systems would be a great job, i think. i want to make an impact in this world, especially when it comes to youth. and being in the schools is a great way to start!

2008-08-04T18:39:00.002-04:00

it's been about a year since i posted last... no computer at home will do that to ya. since then, my parents have gotten divorced (just today, actually), i've been to peru, quit my jobs, and have been out of work on several occasions for illness. wow. yet, God is still amazing and Jesus has proven Himself to me time and time again. Awesome.

2007-08-29T19:30:00.000-04:00

things are so rough with family right. mostly my dad. it's hard to understand him and what he's going through and i have no idea what to do about it. how do i act with him, what do i need to be for him? i have no idea. he's leaving tomorrow for rehab and counseling in illinois and our last night together for awhile he drinks. what in the world do i do? it hurts to see him hurting so bad and hurts even more that i can't do anything about it.

these really made me laugh out loud!

2007-08-29T19:29:00.001-04:00

www.marriedtothesea.com

want a glimpse as to who i am?

2007-08-29T19:25:00.000-04:00

http://typelogic.com/isfj.html

there ya go.

2007-08-29T19:23:00.000-04:00

So, i don't understand this whole dating/guy thing.
1. It's been so long since I've actually been in a "dating" situation I have no idea what to do or how to act. I'll either overreact or completely disregard what's going on and ruin the opportunity either way. Where do I draw the line?
2. I hate the whole dating thing. Going from guy to guy, looking for the one I want to spend my life with and start a family with. So, I'm basically going into it with bad feelings.
I'm single and I hate it. I know I don't NEED a guy to fulfill my life, I know this. It's the whole idea of wanting to serve God to my fullest capacity and that's the way I know I'll be at my best. What do I do till then?
And when someone says they like you and what-not, what is it that suddenly makes them not want to talk to you anymore? I mean, seriously. Guys, communicate. It's that easy. COMMUNICATE. Things would be so much better and you would be such a better man if you would just communicate what's going on in your head. Things would get worked out sooner and the relationship would be much for fulfilling. thanks.

yeah, i'm acting like i'm 12 yrs old. i don't care.

i want love.

2007-08-06T18:46:00.000-04:00

that's it. what it all comes down to. i want love. to be loved and to love with my whole being. i have yearned for that for so long. i think i may expect too much from potentials, but i think i deserve what i'm asking for. to have the sacrificial love, that we are supposed to have for each other, returned to me. women need to know that they are worth it. i need to know that i am worth it. i don't think i'm an unnattractive person. i understand i don't physically look like the girls that every guy wants with the nice sculpted face, long straight hair with the side bangs and shirtbelts,... i wear jeans and a t-shirt, have short short hair, and have large facial features... this makes me wonder sometimes. i've had one person my whole life (meaning, one man other than my dad) tell me that's what they liked about me... well, who the heck else thinks that??? obviously no one. haha.. anyway, that's not where i wanted to go with this. i just want that love. that deep, adoring, wanting and willing to do everything and anything for that other person. that's what i want. regardless of what i do and who i am or who i may turn into... i want that. i am that for him. for the man that will have me. for the husband i am anxiously waiting and praying for.

2007-07-30T11:32:00.000-04:00

I speak to these people, and I speak to you because I cannot help it. It gives me strength, almost unbelievable strength, to know that you are there. I covet your eyes, your ears, the collapsible space between us. How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today, tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don't want to listen, to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist.

What is the What

Wow. I finally finished this book last night. I love reading, but it always takes forever for me to finish a book! But isn't this amazing??? This particular section is right at the end of the book. This is how it is finished. It left me speechless. Valentino Achak Deng, the "author," is a refugee from southern Sudan... an amazing story. Throughout the book he goes back and forth from his current situation to past memories. It's awesome.
The last two lines of that book, "How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist." Have had an effect on me. How can we pretend that people and their situations do not exist? How can we blatantly ignore the homeless on our corner, those that are hurting from deep emotional problems; how can we ignore? We stay in our little bubble... for some it's our "Christian bubble" for others our "Bubble of Comfort." It's so nice and comfy in our own little world when we don't have to worry about other people's problems. But we were asked to carry each others' burdens, to help those who need it, to not be selfish with our life... because it's not ours. We should live for the One who gave us this life. To do those things that He has set for us to do. To be with the poor, the broken-hearted, the hopeless and dying. To be the encouragement and bringer of hope and life.

2007-07-17T10:12:00.001-04:00

did you know this?

2007-07-12T19:22:00.000-04:00

I was feeling pretty good

For I finally understood

How to be free, free, free, free

Like the boats, like the birds

Like the wind in the trees

So I went out on a limb

Thinking maybe we could swim

Into the river of light

Into the ocean of pain

Where angels get the wings

Where babies get the names

I wonder if you are aware

How much you rock my boat

I wonder if you are aware

How much you rock my boat

I wonder if you are aware

How much you rock my boat

You rock my boat

dntel

featuring mia doi todd

2007-06-27T20:32:00.001-04:00

i've always been one to do great things... start some sort of ministry or do some charity work or go on some gigantic missions trip and change the world. i've realized that most of the time i'm all talk... depressing. only once have i done something that has brought me pride in the fact that i did something great for the Lord. the benefit concert i did as a senior in high school... which was amazing, by the way. something i have always wanted to do again, but never do. what will it take for me to actually do something again? i don't know. getting off my lazy bootay and doing some research to get my feet off the ground again. that might help. or just sticking my neck out on the line and taking a risk and just go all in to start something great. sometimes i feel as though i've become complacent... stagnant... a stalemate. it's a sucky place to be. the church i attend seems to have a hold on me. i can break free... i know this. i want to break free... but it's the going out on my own thing that freaks me out a bit. pray that i'm able to get out of this rut. to do something great... do something amazing... i know i can... it's the steps to get there i'm confused on... hmmm.

2007-06-26T20:49:00.000-04:00

i've got six minutes to say something really good...

i'm alive.

2007-06-17T03:43:00.000-04:00

nataliedee.com

2007-06-15T19:23:00.000-04:00

i have pretty much felt like crap these past couple of days. emotionally, physically... and all other ways. i'm tired of being where i'm at in life. i want out.

2007-05-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

James 1:27

2007-05-23T14:35:00.000-04:00

2007-05-23T14:09:00.000-04:00

so, i am just really happy :)

another encourager...

2007-05-22T08:40:00.000-04:00

It is time for a paradigm shift. We have this idea of a distant calling on our lives—a place, a job, a position, a ministry, a family and/or an event that God has called us to. It’s this specific thing that God has called us to that we are constantly working toward, making decisions based on, praying for and talking about. This stresses us out. The pursuit of it can send us into active drowning spiritual anxiety. It can even become an idol in our lives.

We have it backwards. That future goal, that future event is not our calling. That is not our purpose. As mentioned before, our purpose is relationship with God. First comes our daily encounter with God as our priority. Second is our overall gifting(s): as a teacher, apostle, encourager, prophet, evangelist, pastor, leader, etc. (Ephesians 4:11-13, Romans 12:6-8 and 1 Corinthians 12:4-13).

And lastly are the specifics of that distant calling or ministry. Our first calling is all that matters—to experience Christ in our lives, to live every moment (those that we feel are spiritual and those that we see as ordinary) dependent upon being filled with the Spirit.

When this occurs, our relationship with Christ, our worth, is not defined by leadership titles, the number of Bible studies we lead, how many ministry teams we’re a part of or how many services we attend. Our works-centered paradigms are shattered. We realize that all we are striving to be, and all that we’re fighting to obtain is what we already are in Christ—forgiven, restored and empowered through our relationship with Him.

Whatever struggle you are going through, whatever your hurt is, whatever scars you carry or open wounds you still have, whatever self-destructive habits are tearing you apart inside and you think you will never be free from, whatever self-made prison of personal image and insecurity you find yourself trapped in, know this: That is not who you are. You are not your struggles. You are not your anxiety. You are not without hope.

The key to true freedom and healing is dependency on God. If you truly put God first—before ministry, before friends, before your test tomorrow, before whatever you’re a leader in—and prioritize (in the truest sense of the word) a real encounter with Him every day, you will be free. If you decide to drop everything until you are in balance with Him, you will experience the miraculous, Spirit-led relationship in Him that is the deepest, most fulfilling desire of your soul.

He will do the healing, but He is waiting for us to take this step toward Him—to quit flailing and start resting in Him. It is not our Christian credentials that define us or make us effective. It is our daily, prioritized relationship with God. This is not a suggestion. This is a necessity.
"Shifting Paradigms: Part Two" by Matthew Rauch (Relevantmagazine.com)

2007-05-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

one of my favorite paintings from the baroque.

Mattia Preti (1613 - 1699) ItalianTHE ROMAN EMPRESS FAUSTINA VISITNG ST. CATHERINE OF ALEXANDRIA IN PRISON, ca. 1640 - 1643 Oil on canvas

2007-05-21T08:59:00.000-04:00

sometimes i just never know what to say.

2007-05-19T09:27:00.000-04:00

2007-05-19T09:17:00.000-04:00

with all the money i see in a day... from people's accounts to money coming in and going out... there should not be one poor person in the entire world.

nonsensical

2007-05-19T09:03:00.000-04:00

Fetus Found in Woman's Freezer Was Hers

PITTSBURGH — Remains found in a woman's freezer were those of her miscarried 20-week old fetus, an autopsy revealed Friday.
Christine Hutchinson, 22, of Pittsburgh, remained jailed unable to post $500,000 bond on a charge of abuse of a corpse. It was not immediately clear if she had an attorney.
Medical examiner Dr. Karl E. Williams said his preliminary finding is that the death occurred naturally.
Williams' office and the Pittsburgh police were still investigating.
Police were alerted to the remains by a caller from Texas, who knows someone acquainted with Hutchinson, police said.
According to a police affidavit, Hutchinson told police she miscarried April 22 and did not call medics or police. The affidavit does not say whether Hutchinson told police why she did not call for medical help or why she might have put the remains in the freezer.
___
May 18, 2007 - 8:05 p.m. EDTCopyright 2007, The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP Online news report may not be published, broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.

this woman was sent to jail with a large bond because the fetus was considered a corpse. now, legally we can kill a baby before it's born, but if we mistreat its corpse when it has died "naturally" we can get in trouble... what?!?!?!

it's show time!

2007-05-18T11:04:00.000-04:00

i don't talk very much. i'm sure that's obvious to most people. i don't know why... some of the time it's because i get mesmerized by what the other person is saying that i'm left speechless. other times we'll be discussing a topic or something and the other has basically said everything there is to say about it, so i have nothing else to add. other times i just have no opinion on the matter. and most of the time, i enjoy hearing the other person so much that i just want to always hear them speak and tell their story. i love hearing others' stories. i'd be driving down the highway and look at the person in the car next to me and wonder where they're going, where they've been, what's their story. it seems everyone's story is so fascinating besides my own! no one ever really seems to ask. so i don't tell. but when they ask... i have no idea what to say. here at work no one really listens to me so i just keep my mouth shut. it's like they're not interested. i don't like talking about myself too much. i think deep down i'm scared to let anyone know the failure inside. that's the beauty of Christ, though. the never-ending love that He's given me will always be there even when i do fail. i want to be that to others. it's so hard for me. i want to be able to see that from others as well. to know that i am loved for who i am and am struggling to be. i try so hard, i really do. but everyday i just see how human i really am and how much i really need God.

encouragement

2007-05-17T08:42:00.000-04:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7432&print=true

2007-05-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

Foolish heart, looks like we're here again.
Same old game of plastic smile,
Don't let anybody in.
Hiding my heartache,
Will this glass house break?
How much will it take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
'Cause You see the real me.

Painted on, life is behind a mask,
Self-inflicted circus clown.
I'm tired of the song and dance,
Living a charade, always on parade.
What a mess I've made of my existence.
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow...

You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, 'cause You see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When You look at me.
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry.
Oh, I just wanna be me
I wanna be me.

And you love me just as I am.
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me.

natalie grant

2007-05-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

marriedtothesea.com

2007-05-14T09:07:00.000-04:00

nataliedee.com

2007-05-13T16:08:00.000-04:00

That passage says it all... If only I could have the fullness of Christ now, it wouldn't be a problem. Well,... I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I just hate screwing up. I've screwed up a lot of things in life... relationships, school, my own mind... and it just continues... goes on and on... I do admit, though, it's getting a little bit easier to control what I do and don't do. I think I'm finally getting a grasp on the consequences... but as Paul said, he was still screwing up at so & so an age. i think that's the one thing i hate about myself. I dislike things, yes. But that is one thing I hate. being a darn hypocrite. I know how I wanna be, I know who I wanna be, but it's getting there that bugs me. I'm not a patient person when it comes to that. When I know what I will be or what is for sure going to happen, I get impatient and want it NOW. i guess this way, the Lord is continually working out my patience. haha... Oh, how I love Him. Always wanting me to be better... but sometimes it can be a little irritating. Overall, it's ok, though, because I know I will be fully in His likeness... I'm so excited about that.